Weep, Little Lionman
by 1lostone
Summary: Sometimes, break-ups are friendly. Sometimes, they are not. This is one of those times.
1. Chapter 1

**Notes: Posting to from Ao3. Orig written in august of 2012. Posted here as two long chapters.**

Warnings: Angst... a LOT of angst... Po(r)n Far, breakup fic

**For dark_wulf: Thank you as always to jademac2442 for beta-ing for me. I'm really nervous about this particular fic because darke_wulf won a bid on me for the fandom_helps planned parenthood auction. The prompt is amazing and I hope that I do it justice, especially since I've never written some of its elements before. Thanks to my cheerleaders: jlm121 and ninjaboots for the occasional kick in the ass. Fair warning- jlm121 told me that she "wanted to slap Spock until her hand turned green." I mean it about the angst. :) Title from Mummford and Sons song that's been stuck in my head for about forever, but it's not a songfic.**

**Chapter 1**

_George- I'm not sure about this. I know when we signed up for the 'Fleet, we thought that it would keep us together for always. I don't mean to complain, but my new roommate is... well, Tiberius would call her a long-tail cat lost in a room full of rocking chairs. She does something with linguistics I think. She's kind of a complete stick in the mud. I mean, you and I both study and stuff, but she's practically made it her religion! I don't know if she's a complete bitch or if she's just super shy. I can hear you now; telling me not to make judgments. Blahblah. Save your breath. I'm going to invite her to go to the commons. I mean, she's been here for two weeks and we hardly know each other. All I really know is that her name is Grayson. Amanda Grayson…  
Love, love love as always you have my heart forever.  
Win_

***

You would think that with all the shit I'd seen serving as one of the most incredible Captains in Starfleet history, this sort of stuff wouldn't faze me.

Not true. I was so nervous that I felt like I was about to piss myself. I watched them file in, moving with the smallest amount of movement possible, almost appearing to glide across the floor with that inherent gracefulness that all Vulcans possessed. It made my mouth go dry with nerves. Spock was staring rigidly ahead. He'd gone completely well… Vulcan, for lack of a better word. He hardly seemed to breathe. A statue of purely rigid, Vulcan propriety.

When Spock had said that there was a ritual involved in meeting his dad before we became officially betrothed, I kind of thought we'd be meeting for some Plomeek and a nice Chianti over the dining table or something. Not anything like _this_. Eight Vulcans, all of whom I vaguely recognized from various diplomatic functions, stood on a raised dias, decked out in full High-Council regalia. Between the eyebrows and the beaky looking noses, I felt sort of like a tender little mouse surrounded by a field of very hungry hawks.

My communicator buzzed. I ignored it with a small wince. I'd meant to turn it off, but had forgotten with all the craziness. The small sound caused Spock to actually look over at me, eyebrow twitching with displeasure at the interruption. I licked my dry lips and tried for a smile, but I don't think I made it. _Fuck_, this was nerve-racking. Spock didn't acknowledge me, looking back towards the Council and waiting patiently for them to speak.

Since Vulcan's destruction almost five years ago, the remaining survivors had found a planet almost at the far end of the quadrant. They had gone from one of the founding members of the Federation to practically becoming complete isolationists in only a few short years, withdrawing from the Federation almost completely. Spock was currently the only Vulcan still directly involved with Starfleet. I know his family had been putting a lot of pressure on him to quit and join the colony. That was part of the reason I was only now getting around to meeting Sarek in a non-official Starfleet capacity. Hell, the only other time I'd seen the guy, he'd had to call off his son from strangling me to death. Still, having him look down on me like I was something nasty on his shoe was a little much. Well not that a Vulcan would-

"James Kirk."

I jolted, then looked up. Not one of the faces gave me any hint of what they were about to decide, but I just couldn't shake the faint feeling of … wrongness. I felt like I did when a mission was about to go from 'interesting' to 'so fucked up Bones wasn't going to let me out of Sickbay for a week.' That sort of intuition is what kept me sharp; kept me as Captain of the Federation's Flagship.

I nodded, bowing slightly in acknowledgement. Sarek took a slight step forward, and I felt the feeling solidify into straight-up tension.

"I have advised my son to break from this most illogical joining between the two of you. His refusal of his duty to his people is a detriment to our success as a colony. Were he to break his mindlink with his betrothed and join with you in the way of our people, the bloodline of the House of Surak would further deteriorate-"

_Break his mindlink with his betr-_what_?!_ I blinked, then the rest of Sarek's words hit me.

"Deteriorate? Explain." What the fuck was it with Vulcans and calling out people's shit in front of a captive audience?

"Your… emotionalism. Your blatant disregard for our traditions and values. My son informs me that your personal life is rife with congress of a sexual nature with several different partners. While you have an exemplary service record, you do so with a chronic disregard for protocol and indeed, the very chain of command that your military organization holds as paramount."

I blinked, Sarek's words like a punch to the fucking balls.

"May I respond?"

"This is not necessary, James Kirk. Sarek has informed his son of his wishes, and Spock has agreed to our advisement. Your appeal, such as it was with your...contribution, will be severed. For what it is worth, you have our… regrets in this matter. We are not unaware of your contributions to our race; however the needs of the many must outweigh the needs of the few. Or the one." I knew from holos that it was T'Pau that was speaking to me, but I think I was too shocked to really completely take in the enormity of what she'd said. Before I could gather myself, seven of the eight had filed out, leaving only Spock, myself and Spock's father in the room.

I turned to my first officer, part of me still reeling from the shock of them saying no. I mean, I thought there'd be some issues. Some stuff we'd have to compromise on. Not… this flat-out refusal. When I tried to speak I couldn't make the words come out. I had to try again. Pursing my lips made the cracked skin sting.

"Sp- Spock?"

Spock turned, continuing to hold his body as rigidly as the Vulcan statue outside the breezeway. The _off_-ness of his posture screamed that something was very, very wrong. I reached out automatically, my fingers stretching out in the Vulcan version of a kiss, looking … hell. I don't know what I was looking for. Some kind of acknowledgement that Spock thought this whole thing was just as fucked up as I did, maybe. Proof that we'd laugh about this later over dinner.

Spock actually flinched, turning away from me and walking towards his father, who was still waiting by the door.

"_Spock_!" My voice was wrecked.

Spock stopped before the door slid open, speaking with his back to me.

"Captain. You once told me that you would never come between me and my heritage. Please know that this decision was not… made lightly."

I took a step after him, ignoring the way Sarek stepped behind his son as though he needed protection. "But—

"Goodbye, Captain. You will see that the Admiral approved my leave, effective immediately." He turned, flashing the ta'al. Spock's face was still completely and utterly blank. Not even his eyes gave me any hint that he was upset over what the Council had said. "Peace and long life."

"But—" My mind was still stuck on the impossibility of Spock leaving voluntarily. My communicator buzzed again. I was so on edge that I fumbled with it, dropping it onto the floor. I looked up once, hope an almost bright burst of flavor on my lips when I heard the soft footstep against the stone floor. It made the realization that it was Sarek, and not his son staring down at me even more bitter. My communicator buzzed again, and before I could twitch in its direction, Sarek had his hands on my head. A heartbeat later, I shivered, blinking owlishly as I watched Spock's father leave the chamber. I took a step and my boot clicked against something. My communicator. I scooped it up, feeling like I had missed something very important.

I stood there for several minutes, going over what had just happened in my head. The shock was starting to give way; a feeling of hurt so sharp that I felt like I'd taken a phaser blast to my chest taking its place. This… this wasn't some decision that had been forced _onto _Spock. This was a decision that Spock had made about... about us. Without telling me. Without even _discussing _it with me.

On auto-pilot, I hailed the Enterprise. While part of me wanted to run after Spock and demand what the fuck was going on, the rest of me damn well knew. I wanted peace and quiet to think, to process what had just happened. I didn't want to be on this planet anymore, or I'd be tempted to blow the protocol out of the water and go find Spock to demand some answers.

"Aye, Cap'n? Little early isn't it?"

"Yeah. I'm ready. One to beam up please."

"But what about Comm-"

"Scotty." He stopped in mid-word. It still made me flinch. "One to beam up. Energize."

"Aye, sir."

The same microsecond of falling into nothingness, and I appeared back on my ship. Scotty looked mildly curious for a minute. I'd gotten very good at keeping my face blank. I forced a smile and had taken two steps forward out of the transporter room doors when I heard the unmistakable click of heels. I felt my gut tremble, and for a second I was afraid of what Nyota would do.

Of course. While I'd been on the planet being completely blindsided, she'd probably been handling Spock's transfer. I jerked my head once, and she fell into step besides me, carefully not touching me. Out of habit, I slowed my stride so that she could keep up with me. In the later months of her pregnancy, Nyota tended to waddle if she was made to walk too fast, and as it was usually worth more than your life to mention that little fact, it was easier just to slow down a tad so that she could walk shoulder- to- shoulder. How she did it in the heels though was just beyond me.

We were silent on the lift. Silent as we passed hers and Bones' quarters, Spock's... I must have made some sound in the back of my throat, because Nyota brushed one finger against the back of my hand, and the simple gesture made my throat tighten. The communicator buzzed in my hand again, and again I ignored it. When my door hissed open to reveal Bones frozen in mid-pace, my lip trembled and I had to blink back tears.

Those came later when Bones wrapped his arms around me, Nyota behind me with her belly nestled into the curve of my spine.

They clung to me, not saying anything while I shook.

~*~*~*~*~  
I don't think they realized that I could hear them. Bones didn't really have a quiet voice. He had 'Cranky.' 'Cantankerous,' and 'Downright Pissed off, Jim.' Even when he was being gentle, he did it loudly. Bones said it came from working with damnfool morons. Idly, I wiggled my big toe. The blanket had pulled up to my ankles, leaving my toes slightly cold. I was too numb to rearrange the blanket, and too drained to fix the environmental controls.

Nyota and Bones had put me to bed. Bones had given me something to calm me down, which normally I wouldn't have taken. I hated not being in control of my own emotions, but fuck. The gaping chasm of this... it wasn't just pain. I'd had my heart broken before. I was a little afraid of what was lurking on the other end of this careful numbness.

"- I don't care! Goddamnit, Nyota... " My own throat hurt when I heard Bones' voice break. "That fucking hobgoblin was already betrothed! So what was the last year with Jim, then, huh?"

Nyota's response was a murmur.

When I had told them what had gone on on the colony, both had looked at me like they were waiting for the punchline. I didn't have one.

"Leonard."

I couldn't quite see them from my bed. It was easy to picture their easy intimacy though.

It had taken Nyota the better part of three years to wear the stubborn ass down, but once Bones finally allowed himself to admit that he desperately wanted what she was offering, they'd had me marry them almost immediately. Bones wasn't one for public displays of affection, so when they allowed me to intrude- to see the way he would cradle her stomach and kiss it good morning, or how she would trail one finger over the wrinkle he got in the middle of his forehead when he'd been working too long on too little sleep, it made me feel less like a third wheel and more like I was privileged to be allowed to see part of their private life.

There was a small shuffle of sound, and a small thump. Bones would have insisted that his wife sit down. He'd be pacing of course, his hair getting more and more crazy as his fingers pulled it out of the part he'd worn for most of his life with every frustrated step.

"I know.. but. How are we gonna fix this?" I'm pretty sure that all three of us knew 'this' meant 'me.'

I rolled over, trying to regain the floaty feeling from before. Bones must have heard me, because I heard his footsteps a few seconds later. The bed dipped and I felt his hand on my forehead. The tightness in my throat spread to a burning in my eyes, and I bit my lip. All of the sudden, I missed my mom so fucking much that it hit me like a shot to the gut.

"You okay, kid?"

I snorted and Bones flicked me on the ear.

"Don't give me your sass now. You know we're gonna get you through this."

I nodded and Bones' hand slid to my shoulder, then off to the mattress to prop him up as he made himself comfortable. Nyota sat down on the other side, stripping off her boots and curling into me. I told myself I wasn't jealous when their fingers slotted together.

"Why didn't he just... _tell _me? Why bring me down there and. Jesus, it was fucking ... they were all looking down at me. I'm there all fucking giddy, thinking I'm about to have Spock in my mind again but..shit, Bones. His dad was in my face about the people I'd fucked around with before we got together! Isn't that some fucking irony? I did everything Spock wanted. _Everything_. We didn't touch, we didn't really kiss, we... Vulcans. I wanted it to mean more to him, so I tried to keep it with his traditions. And the bitch of it was that I didn't mind! I felt so fucking lucky to have him that..."

I trailed off. Nyota rubbed her sharp chin on my shoulder, and Bones made the frowny face that made me feel like he had a shotgun hidden somewhere and was about to go all 'Outraged Daddy' on someone. Sometimes I think he forgot that he was only a few years older than me. The numbness leaked away, leaving me biting the inside of my cheek so that I wouldn't fucking lie there and cry. My communicator buzzed again, and Bones leaned over me, stretching to the small nightstand and handing it to me. He knew I'd be glad for the interruption. The thing was, I knew who was trying to get in touch with me. I'd been avoiding her calls- well, because I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to do. When she'd first pitched the idea, I was surprised at the initial spurt of intrigue I'd felt. Honestly, I'd said no because I couldn't imagine not being out here in the black with Spock by my side. Now though...

My lips tightened as I ruthlessly suppressed the gut-churning feeling of hurt brought by just thinking Spock's name. I ignored the call, knowing I could just check my comm messages later, but the feeling of wallowing in my own patheticness was starting to get to me.

Spock broke up with me. So what. I had captainy shit to do, and wasn't going to let personal shit get in my way.  
Nyota must have sensed my feelings - it was fucking creepy that she knew me almost better than I knew myself sometimes- because she eased off, rolling on her back so that her gigantic tummy nudged my ass before she got situated. It was worth it just to zone out of my brain and the endless repetition of _what...why... why... _just...sleep.

**  
_Winona- You know I love you but really, I need you to respect my decision on this. You've been my dearest friend almost since our first cup of tea together over a year ago. Do you really think that I'm going to forget you? Sarek has never explicitly said that he wishes for me to move to his planet, yet I feel that it is one way that I can please him. We have lived on Earth for a year. It seems only fair for me to give Vulcan a whirl. That sound frivolous, but you know I'm being anything but. Winnie, Sarek explained that there are scientists who can help me with conceiving! I know that kids aren't in your future, but you know how much I want this. How much I want _him. _And how much I want a child. Please, Winnie. Be happy for me._

-Amanda 

**Chapter 2**

**Notes:**

Chapter is unbeta'd.

_Mandy,  
I can't believe it! Two weeks!?_ Two weeks _and you get to see my graduation! I've already made a list of all the places you can take me and George, since you're the wife of royalty and all. Yes, they're all expensive. I even found one that is a vegany, vegetabley Vulcany place. It's called Surak's Garden. (I laughed. Don't lie, so did you.) Yeah, I'm eating rabbit food for you. I don't know how the hell you're going to raise a baby without a little meat in you. Although, I guess you had a little meat in you to have the baby in the first place- ha ha. You better be smiling. I bet you don't hear all that many jokes surrounded by all those Vulcans! George says I'm classless and crass, and I just told him that it was all his fault. If he hadn't left me, then you would never have moved into my dorm...  
-Win_

They tried.

But they didn't know how to handle me after losing everything. Oh I tried. I tried to keep my shit together, but ... well. Let's just say that recent events made making some decisions that I had been putting off for several months much, much easier to put in perspective. Not even Chris could talk me into signing away another five years of my life to Starfleet.

Scotty had given me a gruff hug. Sulu had fingered his First Officer insignia, biting his lip. He didn't much like how he'd gotten the promotion. Nothing that I said made him believe that he was a damn fine XO. the new Captain had beamed onboard a few hours ago. If I couldn't be on the bridge- Number One was just about the only person that I could trust to keep my Silver Lady together and pointed in the right direction. Sulu had kept his goodbyes short, still uncomfortable. I made a mental note to comm him later when it didn't feel like I was pulling my heart out of my chest.

I couldn't do this anymore. Couldn't be here. They needed someone strong- and I... I wasn't...

Wasn't...

Just wasn't. Full stop.

Chekov was the last to see me off.

He'd grown up a lot in the past five years, but fucked if I didn't still see the same big eyes and ridiculously young looking grin that had endeared him to the entire ship, even though it was obvious that he had been crying. Pavel was taller now, and had grown into the cheekbones and shoulders. He had practically caused a ship-wide mutiny when he'd cut off his curls on his eighteenth birthday. Now as he stepped back and shook my hand I could see his lip tremble only a little. I had a weird flash of giving him his Lieutenant pin and him making kind of the same overwhelmed, kicked puppy face.

"You will keep in touch, yes? It is wery important." At the 'wery' my own jaw twitched, and the wave of _what the fuck was I doing_? was so strong that I had to bite the inside of my cheek for a second so that my voice wouldn't crack. "I… Sir. Your friends know why it is that you leave us. But you must not … I mean that…" Chekov broke off, looking distressed. The ensign manning the transporter coughed. We both looked over at him, me in gratitude and Chekov with something very close to frustration.

"Yeah. Don't worry. Bones'll be around. He won't let me do anything too stupid." Pavel nodded and clutched at my hand again.

"You are.. you are sure that this is what you wish? It does seem wery strange not to have you as my Captain, Captain."  
My forced smile was more like a grimace.

"Me too, kid. Look." I held out my hand. "I'm supposed to have a meeting in a few hours. I need to get ready for it, okay? Get checked in, find out if my plants are still alive, you know."

Both Chekov and knew that I didn't have any plants. Still, Chekov squared his shoulders, nodding. He took a step back and I nodded to the ensign, ready to make my escape. I saluted, and watched as Chekov rolled his eyes. The familiar sight made my lips quirk in a ghost of a grin, then the familiar bright lights took me away.

I rematerialized at the familiar spaceport. Seeing all the hustle and bustle made me cringe for just a split second. After the Enterprise, the cacophony of people talking, the hum of luggage carts floating placidly behind their owners, the outerworldly sound of announcements being repeated in ten different Federation languages made me blink in stupification. I took a deep breath, then another.

My communicator beeped and I jolted. A passing attendant grabbed my shoulder, polite concern clear on his face.

"Sir?"

His touch made my skin crawl. I forced a smile, trying not to let on that it felt like something was crawling across my wrist where he'd reached out to steady me. It was weird. Since... everything, it was like I couldn't stand to be touched. It had only been four months. Even Bones had noticed before he and Nyota had left. The three of us had technically entered the 'Fleet at the same time, but my rank made me have to jump through several more hoops before I could get the hell out of Dodge. Plus the fact that they were both planning on teaching at the Academy instead of cutting all ties probably had an effect as well.

Bones had been concerned, but had kept it (mostly) behind his teeth. The only fight we'd had had stemmed from Bones threatening to 'tear the green-blooded fucker a new one' on one of my bad days; days where it was a struggle to get out of my bed. A struggle to give a fuck about the job that I loved. A job that I had no interest in anymore.

"Fine, sorry." I was doing it again. It had become increasingly more difficult for me to focus on simple things. The nausea made me blink, struggle for a second to remember why this guy was talking to me.

"It can be a little overwhelming." The attendant smiled a polite smile and I forced myself not to cringe back as I nodded, muttering something about needing to meet my shuttle.

I had made Bones promise that he wouldn't send Spock anything, not being brave enough to tell him that I had tried. And tried. And tried. All of them came back with a cool Vulcan voice informing me that 'my ongoing instance on forcing communication was the height of illogic.' Which, okay. _That _had Sarek's influence all over it. But even I had gotten the message eventually.

It was that more than anything that made me realize that it was time for me to get the hell out of Starfleet.

The shuttle was almost uncomfortably quiet after the unpleasantly busy spaceport. I made my way to a seat and collapsed, tilting my aching head against the headrest. My communicator chirped at me, and I had to chuff a laugh at Bones' name on the display. I had stopped thinking it uncanny a few years ago; now I just accepted that it was just part of Bones' scary motherfuckerness. I blamed the eyebrows. They had to have some sort of supernatural powers. Bones always seemed to know when I was hurting.

"Kid."

"Bo-"

"Look. I don't mean to pry, but you said two weeks. TWO WEEKS? You need to be down here yesterday. You haven't met little Jojo yet. She's..." Bones' voice trailed off and I fought the burst of jealousy that I felt at his expression.

"I know, man. I'll be around in a bit. I'm gonna meet my boss, then come on out and meet your sprog." I tried the big, fake grin.

Bones' eyes narrowed. Shit. I knew better than to try and fake anything around this man. "Look, kid. I'm not..." He huffed out a breath. I heard Nyota in the background, and Bones' eyes cut to the left, softening. "Jimmy. Kid. You're _sure_ this is what you want to do?"

I rolled my eyes. "Please tell me you're not going to try to lecture me _now_, Bones. It's a done deal. My five years were up. Chris didn't like it, but there wasn't much that he could do to change it. You know... you _know_ I tried to make it work." My voice cracked and it was my turn to look away. "I think that this will be a good change, Bones. Something just different enough that I can... I don't know. My only other choice was mouldering somewhere in a classroom."

Bones winced. Yeah, we agreed on that pretty well. Neithe r of us had much faith in my teaching abilities. Hell, Chris had only offered so that he could keep his eye on me. His relief when I declined had been pretty damn obvious.

"Look. Kiss the wife and spawn for me, man. I'm gonna catch a nap before I get there."

Bones opened his mouth to argue but I disconnected the comm link, turning it off and putting it in my pocket.

Truth was, the offer was too good to let go. A shipping company based near Chicago had been looking for someone to help them in the private sector. I hadn't met the guy I'd be working with yet, but the boss was a wickedly hot, completely ball-busting woman that who only introduced herself as Ms. Dehner. We hadn't actually met in person, but even via comm link she had this eerie way almost looking into my brain like she knew it better than I did. She had apparently heard through an old friend that I was looking for something new, and hadn't waited in wooing me for her company.

In fact, it had been her who had called me during the meeting on Vulcan. If nothing else, that tiny coincidence made me think that maybe there was a point to that whole clusterfuck.

And she was paying pretty well, too.

I would working with one other guy, sharing a small ship two-person ship. We were basically just security when she needed it- whether it was an escort for a dignitary from one planet to another, or for a shipment of minerals that needed to make it intact through the Neutral zone. As an extra incentive against robbing her blind, the two of us split a percentage of each successful shipment that made it back to Dehner.

I nodded off, surprised that I was able to sleep. I hadn't exactly been used to getting a full eight hours lately. Even more surprisingly, I woke with more energy than I had in weeks. I even ordered some food, and when I disembarked in Chicago, I was in a pretty decent mood.

The directions her secretary had given me were perfect, and almost before I knew it I was opening the door of a smooth, sleek looking office building. The logo, 'Dehner Shipping' was tastefully on the wall behind the receptionist's desk. Neither the receptionist nor the man talking to her noticed when I walked inside. The man's laugh was rich, full-bodied as it rolled out, and I found my lips twitching in a grin almost before I could help it. I shifted my duffel bag on my shoulder, and stared at the two of them, politely waiting my turn.

The man was bent slightly over the desk so that he could flirt with the pretty red-headed receptionist. He wore a beaten-up leather jacket that lifted slightly at his waist, showing the bulge of a phaser as he leaned against the desk. I felt my eyebrows raise. Most people wouldn't have noticed it, but I suppose that had been somewhat of a job hazard for me. I noticed when people were armed. His phaser didn't look like it was 'Fleet issued, which made me smirk. The receptionist's giggle made me jerk my eyes up to them, and for the first time I noticed the ponytail down his back.

But it was the ears that caused me to completely freeze, my throat tightening so quickly that I couldn't breathe.  
I must have made some sound, because he turned slightly, looking at me with one eyebrow ticked in a way that hit me like a punch to the gut. The receptionist finally clued in to the fact that they weren't alone in the lobby, and with a startled cough smiled at me. I hardly noticed.

The man wasn't a man at all, but obviously Vulcanoid. I wasn't sure if he was a Romulan or a Vulcan, or some mutt mix of the two, but actually took a step backwards when he pushed himself off up the desk, turning fully to face me, hand outstretched in welcome.

"Why, hi there! Kirk, isn't it? I remember you from the whole saving the universe thing." His voice was rich, and brutally familiar. I had spent enough time between my ex-betrothed, the xenolinguistics club on campus, and Nyota McCoy that I knew a Vulcan's speech patterns when I heard them, but the wide, welcoming grin on his face was confusing as fuck.

"Guess we'll be working together for a bit, eh? Well you could do worse. I'm pretty incredible, if I do say so myself. And I do. Right, Tasha?" The receptionist giggled and I jerked in place when he reached out for my hand, his uncomfortably warm in my own. "My name is Sybok and -"

His eyes widened and he dropped my hand as though I had burned him. I felt the same. The creepy-crawling feeling that usually hit me when someone touched me was almost overwhelming.

The spike of pain in my head caused my stomach to roll unpleasantly. The almost-content feeling that I had enjoyed from the transport had completely evaporated. Vaguely, as though through a long tunnel, I heard the perky receptionist say something, and his deep voice respond. I shook my head once, trying to focus on the conversation, trying to push back the weird feelings that swamped me. It was too much. I heard the Vulcan's startled curse as my eyes rolled back in my head and then I couldn't hear much of anything at all.

*******

"Liz. Look, I don't really give a fuck. You have no idea... _no fucking idea_ what's wrong with this kid. You're lucky his brains didn't leak out of his goddamn ears when we met."

I blinked, freezing. The hum of the ship was unfamiliar, much higher-pitched than my own Enterprise. Cautiously, I opened my eyes, carefully not changing my breathing. I recognized his voice, but frankly what he was saying was too damn interesting to not try to play possum for a little bit longer. I heard Dehner's response: cool. Almost cold. Certainly not very happy-sounding.

Sybok sighed. My eyes bugged out in the darkness. The idea of a Vulcan sighing was just too damn crazy to believe, let alone what he was actually saying. I felt like I was on one of those candid-camera holos. "Liz. Come _on_. You know you owe me. Give me three days. I'll be back and we can go on per the usual. But if you don't let me try to fix this shit, this kid is gonna be smoke. Poof."

I was uncomfortably aware that I had to pee.

"No.. I don't think so. From what I know he seems like a pretty reasonable guy. It's just one of those weird, fucked-up things." Again, the sigh. I sat up, turning towards the Vulcan at the desk. He was sitting with his elbows on the surface, rubbing at his temples. Sybok;s gaze jerked towards me and I frowned, getting to my feet, not meeting his eyes.I felt like I'd been hit with another one of Spock's fucking nerve pinches. I took a cautious step, and then another, stumbling a little on the floor on my way to the head.

I flinched away from looking at myself in the mirror as I washed my hands. I knew what I looked like; sunken, bruised-looking eyes, too-thin face. I had refused to let myself turn to alcohol or one of the myriad of drugs that I had available to cope. Bones had harumphed and muttered something about damnfool infants, but I could tell that he had been relieved that I wasn't taking that route. Still. I felt like shit. I was confused, and really damn embarrassed that I swooned. What _was _that? It had almost felt like a low-grade electrical current. Fucking Vulcans and their weird-ass heebie jeebie shit.

I set my jaw and made myself straighten my shoulders before walking out and facing Sybok. He jumped when he saw me, hitting the end button on the comm unit rather hastily and jumping up. He ran his hand through his hair, and it was so _off_ from what I knew of Vulcans that I couldn't help but gape a little.

"Uh. Hi there. There's some coffee if you want it."

I shrugged and went over to the small carafe, helping myself.

"Also, in the interest of inter-species harmony, I just want to state for the record that I'm not kidnapping you. Or, not _just_ kidnapping you. I have a very sane reason for...uh. yeah. Well, the point is I'm not batshit insane and I think I can help you."

I blinked. "Help me? With what? Getting a job?" My voice sounded like I had been gargling sandpaper.

Sybok rolled his eyes. "No! Jesus, you're like, bleeding all over the place and you don't even know it! Look. I know this is going to be pretty damn invasive for someone you just met, but I know that I can help you. Let me guess. You've had... issues concentrating. You can't sleep. You don't know quite what's fucked up, but you know it's wrong."

"Like I misplaced something." I froze, staring at him with my heartbeat pounding in my throat like a small, trapped thing. What. How the fuck could he... did Bones call him? Was that why he was so cool with me going out into the black without backup?

Sybok pointed his fingers at me, shooting them like a gun. I took a sip of my coffee, more so that I would have something to do with my hands rather than because I really wanted it. I kind of felt like I had been punched. He crossed to the door. "Look. We have a shitload to talk about, and you might have noticed that it's not exactly the roomiest area in the world here. Let me give you the nickel tour, and if you still want to talk then we can do it from the bridge. Such at it is. This bucket of bolts isn't exactly the Enterprise."

I blinked. My head was still pounding. I shrugged . Sybok stood and I followed him out of the small door and into a dim corridor. There were three other doors; one that was diagonal to Sybok's berth, and two at either end. Sybok stood out in the hallway, and activated the sensor for the other door. "Your room. Head is through there, just like mine. Yours is the smaller of the two though." He pointed. "Rec Room-slash-dining area. We're going this way." He pointed again. "Mind that step there. I've been meaning to fix it. Liz would kill me if I broke her new toy."

"Liz?" I had heard him say that before.

"Elizabeth Dehner. Your new boss. She's not too thrilled that I shanghaied you, but I managed to convince her that you'd probably start bleeding from the eyeballs if I didn't do my 'Vulcan voodoo.'"

The term made me jump. Sybok didn't notice. He was making his way to one of the seats that faced the prow. It was a tight little ship. Raider-class if I wasn't mistaken. We were cruising on impulse I flicked my gaze at the console, but couldn't tell where we were headed. It looked a lot like we were just aimlessly flying in the black.

"- so okay. Have a seat. You're pretty much overly-qualified for this. I'm guessing you know how to pilot this thing in your sleep, yeah?"

I was surprised at the smile that stretched my mouth. "Yeah. I think I'll be okay."

Sybok snorted, and I was speaking before I could make myself shut up. "What the fuck is up with you, man?"

Sybok stopped in mid-babble; something about the dilithium capacity. He raised an eyebrow in the familiar way that made my heart hurt and I had to swallow hard. "Ah. Well, about that." He blew out a breath that made his bangs flutter. "Look. Do you want a drink? I want a drink. Romulan ale okay with you?"

I blinked, holding up the coffee. I shook my head no, but Sybok didn't notice, rummaging in a side console and digging out the bright blue bottle. I noticed that he still had the little cruiser on autopilot, and shifted in my seat a little watching him quietly. It was pretty obvious that he was uncomfortable about something, and frankly it was interesting enough that I couldn't help but give him my undivided attention. Sure, it was weird. It was weird as shit. But I didn't get a freaky vibe off of him. He reminded me more of a kid who was trying to talk very fast so that he didn't get grounded more than anything.

Besides. I could handle myself, Vulcan or not.

And I wasn't 100% sure that he was a full-blooded Vulcan. Which hurt. Spock had told me that he was the only half-breed in existence. Knowing that he lied to me about something _else_... no. Had to block that or I'd lose my shit again. It didn't matter. Why couldn't I just get over this!?

"Shit. That burns a little." He burped and sat back in his chair, closing his eyes. "Well. There's not a good way to sort of segue into this, so I'm just gonna go for it, okay?"

He opened one eye to confirm my nod before shutting it again and beginning to speak.

"A long time ago, on a planet very, very far away... a planet that doesn't even exist anymore thanks to one particularly fucked up megalomaniacal Romulan, there was a kid who didn't agree with his family. Vulcans repress all emotion. Shit, they jam that stick so far up their ass that they couldn't _find _an emotion if they had a goddamn tricorder and cartography chart. This kid was kind of a loner. He had one friend, but the expectations on their families made it difficult for them to be friendly. Not exactly ostracized, because his family was very powerful, but not exactly welcomed with open arms. He didn't believe that those emotions- which don't let anyone bullshit you kid. Vulcans feel just as much as humans do.- should be repressed. Logic was all well and good. But he didn't believe that they were mutually exclusive. This kid- well, he was a teenager now- went on a school trip to the other side of the planet, and to his shock found that there were others who felt- felt!- the same way that he did."

Sybok took another shot of the blue ale, sucking down a few gulps. He took a shuddering breath and continued. "So long story short- his father wasn't too thrilled with the kid acting against all tradition. In fact, the kid's father insisted that no one from his family contact him every again. He was vrekasht; outcast. Fast forward about twenty years. Planet destroyed. He even tries to contact his family to see if he's needed, and is told that... well. Still not Vulcan enough. Thanks but no thanks."

Sybok opened his eyes, staring at me with a gaze that was dark brown and just as intense as Spock's. It made me shiver, dropping my gaze to my coffee. I took a few sips, then set it down, fiddling with my jacket strap.

"What do you know about bonds?"

The words make my stomach knot. Spock had said- well. He had said a lot of things. I guess it didn't much matter now.

Sybok leaned over and touched my forearm with one finger. The low-grade zap startled me, and I jerked my gaze up to meet his. "Kirk. This- I know you don't want to tell me this shit. It's personal. I get that, really man. But if you don't let me help you... you're just going to get worse. I don't think Liz realized how .. uh. How fucked up you really were, or she probably wouldn't have hired you right off. She likes her employes to be as drama-free as possible. 'Specially since that Mitchell fucker. Jeez, talk about a drama queen."

I rubbed my forearm, feeling like an idiot. "I don't know much. I was in.. a relationship with a Vulcan. He told me that we were going to be bonded, but his family. I. I'm not Vulcan, so it wasn't going to work out. Sp-my Vulcan told me that a bond was many things; but to a Vulcan it was vital."

"Did you have a bond with him?"

I shook my head. "No. He wasn't sure that my mind would be compatible. That's one of the reasons that he wanted me to go back to the colony to meet his father."

Sybok wrinkled his forehead, thinking. "You're sure? No bond?"

"No." I remembered Sarek and T'Pau talking about severing a bond, but it didn't make much sense at the time. Spock had told me that a bond could only be made between two Vulcans with very strong minds. They'd also spoken of a Spock having a betrothal... no. _No!_ I shoved that thought way deep, like I'd done with the others.

Sybok sat for a moment, his fingers tapping restlessly on the arms of the chair.

"So okay. What do you know about mating bonds?"

I spat out my coffee.

Sybok raised an eyebrow. "Holy shit, kid. What the hell were you doing getting involved with a Vulcan? Didn't he tell you _anything_?"

I shook my head and wiped my chin and the console in front of me. I looked up only once- trying to convey _what the actual fuck_ with my eyes alone.

Sybok sighed again, pinching the bridge of his nose. "So okay. Do you need alcohol for this? Because you need to tell me what the hell happened. From the start. Obviously Spock has fucked you up somehow-"

Hearing Spock's name caused me to freeze. I don't know what expression was on my face, but Sybok actually flinched back. I had reacted before I thought my way through it. My hand was fisted around the collar of his jacket, tightening without control. The rush of adrenaline was completely bizarre. It had been so long since I had felt ... anything, really. "I never... ! I nev-" my voice cracked and Sybok winced.

"No. You didn't." He met my gaze. That more than anything made the fight go out of me, and I collapsed back into the chair, biting the inside of my cheek.

"Kirk. Spock is my half-brother. The reason I can help you is because of that. I'm not a mind-healer, but somehow my brother has bonded with you. I can feel it reaching out to me. Your bond is desperately trying to fix itself, Kirk. It's looking at me like I'm a Deltan that forgot hix's pheromone suppressors."

I heard the words, but they made no sense. "But. He didn't! He couldn't!"

Sybok looked at me with pity. "That's just the thing. He did. Whether he lied to you; whether he did it without your consent or not, you were bonded to my half-brother. The bond is strong, Kirk. It's pissed that all the I's haven't been dotted and the T's haven't been crossed. That bond is going to fucking kill you if you don't find a way to fix it. And fix it fast."

**

_Win,  
It's been eight-hundred and fifty-six days, twelve hours, and twenty minutes since I've gotten to hold you. I promised you that I would write, but I'm complete shit at this sort of thing. God, I miss you though. I look forward to each comm that you send, and keep them all. The guys laugh at me for being sentimental. Is it sentiment that keeps me looking forward to your comms? Whatever. I just know that seeing them makes me happy. Each post is one step closer to us requesting to work on the same ship. I think they're going to transfer me to the Kelvin. Robau seems like kind of a hardass, but I'm sure things will work out. Hang in there babe. We'll be together soon. I love you.  
-George_

**Chapter 3**

**Chapter 3**

_Ensign Winona Kirk,_

As you are no doubt aware since our wedding, my wife's family has chosen to cease all acknowledgement of their daughter given Amanda's subsequent choice to reside off-planet at my home on Vulcan. She has often spoken of you with a not insignificant amount of frequency. She is not prospering. The loss of her familial unit appears to be quite distressing to her emotional needs. I have taken the liberty of making a few inquires with my contacts at Starfleet. Your scheduled leave appears to be quite fortuitous. Doubtless, you will also note that I have included one first-class berth on the transport ship Nebula_. Amanda is not aware of this missive. I ask that you keep this within the utmost confines of secrecy._

P.S. Additionally, Amanda has expressed a desire for something called Snickerdoodle Surprise, which unfortunately is not available on Vulcan. Indeed, I have been quite unsuccessful in attempting to procure this item. I would be most appreciative if you would assist me with this imperative matter.

Sarek, son of Skon of the House of Surak

****

I had no idea that I was broken until Sybok fixed me.

He insisted on going to the new colony to have someone check his work, repeating that he wasn't a mind-healer.

I refused. Completely. No way. _No way_ was I going to let those bastards anywhere near my head. I vaguely remember Spock's dad touching me in the aftermath of the whole ripping-out-my-heart-and-stepping on it thing. If what Sybok said was true- and had yet to give me any reason to doubt him- the bond things recognized family. Sarek would have had to know what he was doing. It wasn't so much that he had maybe -_probably_- broken the link between me and Spock. Sure, it sucked, but Sarek had never attempted to hide how he felt about me. He was hardly the first daddy to think I was no good for his kid.

Anyway, to make a long story short, no fucking way was I going back to the Vulcan colony. Sybok had done something so that I wasn't so much the walking wounded. He seemed nervous about it, like he didn't trust his capabilities, but I did. It had been a little weird, sitting on the bed with him, knees brushing as we both sat indian-style. Sybok had taken a deep breath and leaned over, touching both sides of my face with his fingertips. I could hear him in my head; felt his presence like a solid stone foundation, fixing everything that was fucked up. I could actually _feel _myself getting stronger.

In the two months that followed, I had settled into my new job. I'd been able to sleep more than two hours at a time. I'd even gained back a little bit of the weight that I'd lost. As far as I was concerned, Sybok had done plenty.

"Kirk. Food's on, man."

I grinned. Sybok was a vegetarian, like the other Vulcans I knew. For him though, I had the impression that it was more of a dietary thing than a pacifist thing. And he wasn't all that bad of a cook to tell the truth. I slid into my chair, scratching idly at my stomach. I yawned.

"What's on for today?"

"We're going to have to pick up after that dumbass, Mitchell. He's got the Telliarian shingles. _That_ dude isn't going far from a bathroom for about a week. Jesus. I don't know why she continues to keep him. I seriously don't think he could find his own ass in a dark room."

Telliarian shingles was a STD. I snorted, digging into a plate of purple squishy...something that Sybok had handed me. I coughed, my eyes watering. I coughed again, wondering if it was possible to actually have your taste buds jump off your tongue, then grabbed for my coffee. "Ass-_gaaack!_ hole."

Sybok just grinned. "Be careful. It's a little spicy."

Once I got past the first blast of heat, the squishy stuff wasn't too bad. "So. Mitchell?" I'd known Gary at the academy, briefly. He wasn't a bad guy. He just didn't see the point with busting your ass when there was a less labor-intensive way of accomplishing something. 'Fleet hadn't really appreciated this, and they'd parted ways right around the time Gary had failed the Kobayashi Maru.

"Yeah. He's picking something up. Some bigshot." Sybok whistled. "Wheeeew. That's a lot of dignitary. Kirk, that's three times our normal fee!"

I raised my eyebrows, slurping the last little bit. I grabbed a carrot stick -Bones would shit himself if he saw that I was voluntarily eating my vegetables for breakfast- and pointed it at my partner. "Yeah. Well, if the payout's that good, then they must be a giant pain in the ass."

Sybok was sitting ass-backwards on a chair, eating with half of his attention on his plate, and the other half on the small PADD. I had gotten to know him pretty well, in the way that you do when you spend a shitload of time rattling around a small space with just one person.

Sybok had adopted a lot of human characteristics. He was almost a caricature of human tics, colloquialisms and idiosyncrasies. But he was still Vulcan, and some things, like lying, didn't come naturally to him. Sybok's shoulders tightened as he looked at me out of the corner of his eye. Then in a bright, fake voice he said, "Oh.. no one special. Just a... lady." I watched as his fingers flew over the PADD. I raised an eyebrow, glancing up to read the reflection of the PADD's screen on the metal above Sybok's head.

Who the hell was T'Pring?

***

"_Pinksford_ to the _Hellsbane_."

I grinned, the name of our raider never failing to make me snort. Sybok was hiding in his room. "_Hellsbane_ here. Ready for transporter. On your mark." I hit a few keys on the console to lower the shields and looked towards the small area to wait for our next job.

She was beautiful. Sybok had only said that she was from a very important family; he hadn't really given me any details. I could only see half of her face from the way she was standing. Her eyebrow was perfectly shaped, a light, almost blonde color. Her hair was caught up in an elaborate style, small crystals braided into the fine strands. Her robes were a dark green that made her icily pale skin look absolutely luminescent. She turned and I got an eyeful of her face.

Holy shit.

Her eye was swollen, the dark greens and yellows of the bruised skin completely visible as she turned to face me headon. She met my gaze unflinchingly. It was so odd to see the remnants of violence on the body that seeing her bruised like that shocked me. Most people used dermal regenerators to get rid of bruising. I opened my mouth to try to give her some of the diplomatic courtesy that Starfleet had pounded in my head when her gaze shifted, slightly over my head.

"Sybok. Mr. Kirk. Greetings and long life."

Sybok nodded. He could see a slightly different angle than what I could, but whatever he saw was making him flush greenly with emotion. I could see a muscle in his jaw twitching. He looked absolutely _furious._

To be honest, it was pretty obvious that they knew each other. Yesterday, the poor guy had just about had a nervous breakdown when he saw who our next meal ticket was. Now, seeing her obviously hurt- he was _thiiiis_ close to losing his shit.

"Hello." I clumsily flashed the ta'al, and her top lip twitched at my attempt. "Can I offer you refreshment?"

"Not at this time. Sybok, I wish to converse with you."

Oh-kay then. I glanced at Sybok who was moving towards T'Pring, his gaze narrowing. "Explain."

T'Pring touched one elegant finger to her face. Her eyebrow winged. "You are angered."

"Yes! Of course I am!" Sybok took another step towards her. I could see that he had a deathgrip on his hands, holding them behind his back. He was holding one hand with the other so tightly that his blood flushed green under the surface of his skin.

I watched from one to the other, feeling simultaneously like someone who was watching a very fascinating holo, and the biggest third wheel in history. It was pretty obvious that they had history together.

For some reason, T'Pring's gaze flicked towards me, before looking back up into Sybok's eyes. She gave a tiny, almost negligent shrug. "My intended was not an... ideal match. It appears as though he Burns for another."

Seeing Sybok utterly gobsmacked was worth the price of admission. At first, I didn't understand why he also glanced at me. Well, duh. Obviously they didn't need me here listening to a private conversation. I turned back to the console and made sure we were on course for Geloas III then made myself scarce. They could handle their personal shit without me following along like a spectator at a football match. I started to slink out of the main area, but T'Pring's cool voice stopped me before I could get very far.

"Kirk. James. I believe that this discussion shall, by necessity, include your presence."

My eyebrows wrinkled. The imperiousness was obviously second-nature. It was hard to take offense. "Me?"

"Indeed."

I looked over at Sybok. Sybok was staring at the bruise on T'Pring's face, the muscle still twitching in his face. "You know that's taboo."

T'Pring's eyebrow rose almost to her hairline. "I do not particularly care."

Sybok's shoulders slumped. "Shit. This is going to take awhile. You're meant to be on Geloas III in twelve hours."

T'Pring drew herself up to her full height. "James Kirk. I will take that refreshment now. Sybok will join us in ten minutes."

My eyes bugged out. "Uh, yes. Ma'am, I can do that." Sybok was very carefully not meeting my eyes, punching something into the console. I stood up and walked towards the other room, T'Pring following along in my wake like a very stately duckling.

"Would you like some tea?"

T'Pring tilted her head, staring at me. "You are quite aesthetically pleasing. I was not aware of this. The Elders have spoken of your mental acuity often. Of your aptitude for command."

I froze. "That's weird. What I got from your Elders was that I was a power-hungry cockslut, looking to pevert one of your chosen sons to my crazy human ways."

T'Pring's lips twitched.

"Is that funny?" I thought I had gotten past all the anger, but I could feel it boiling up in my gut, ready to spew up and out of my mouth.

T'Pring shocked me by reaching out and running her fingers lightly over my forearm. The absolute surprise of it caused me to pause mid-step. "I find no amusement from this, no. I have much to say to you, James Kirk if you will consent to listen."  
Well shit. Who could argue with logic like that?

I sat down, but couldn't help the almost wooden way I did. The anger wasn't all the way gone but nervousness had crawled up somewhere in my throat, matching it.

"I wish to speak of you about biology." She was the Vulcan Madonna, completely and utterly serene, except tof the light tinge of green at the very top of her ears.

"Uh. What kind of biology?"

T'Pring arched an eyebrow. If she had been anything but Vulcan, I would swear that the glint in her deep brown gaze was amusement. "Vulcan Biology."

I blinked, and unexpectedly, blushed. "You mean the biology of Vulcans? Biology as in... reproduction? Like, the birds and the bees?"

T'Pring's lips twitched again. No doubt about it this time. For Vulcans, this was practically chortling on the ground. "The birds and the bees are not Vulcan, Mr. Kirk."

Well, _that_ was obvious. During my stint as Captain of the Enterprise, I had had several different kinds of awkward conversations, all varying in length and embarrassment level. Learning to put aside your secondhand-humiliation wasn't something they taught at the Academy though necessity and the five years of experience had made me rather good at it.

This one, however, made me feel like my mom was explaining sex to me again- with all the hand puppets and banana-wearing rubbers and all. I just shut my mouth and tried to look more like I was listening, and less like I was trying not to giggle like a twelve-year old again.

"Mr. Kirk. Do you know how Vulcans choose their mates? I know that you must have wondered..."

And all of the sudden it wasn't funny anymore. I understood who Sybok and this beautiful woman must have in common and it hit me like a punch to the balls, sharp and vicious.

T'Pring blithely continued, like she wasn't sitting in front of me bruised and beautiful, dropping bombshells like phaser blasts. "I do not say this to cause emotional distress, Mr. Kirk. It is ... an... ilogical time in our otherwise logical species' biology. In Male Vulcans, we call it the _pon far. _We shield it with ritual and customs shrouded in antiquity. You humans have no conception. It strips our minds from us. It brings a madness which rips away our veneer of civilisation. Pon farr." She gave a slight movement, too delicate to be called a shudder. "The time of mating. There are precedents in nature of coure. The giant eelbirds of Regulus Five, once each eleven years they must return to the caverns where they hatched. On your Earth, the salmon. They must return to that one stream where they were born, to spawn or die in trying."

A horrible suspicion began to take me out of my own problems. "But-"

I hadn't even noticed that Sybok had joined us. "Yeah. We can't exactly return to Vulcan to indulge this drive, Kirk. It's..." Sybok looked off into space for a minute. "Imagine that something you can't control... it takes you over and you must give over to it. Without your consent. Without even your knowledge in some cases, because as an extra fun bonus, it takes away your brain. As an even _added _extra bonus, you'll die if you don't... mate. We call it the _Plak Tow,_ but what it really means is you are on fire. Your mind, and your body, and everything in your soul is screaming out to end the burning. You are on_ fire_ and..."

"Sybok."

Sybok jerked as though she had slapped him. I saw his nails bite into his fisted hand.

"Mr. Kirk. This was before, when we had our planet. Since..." T'Pring broke off for just a second that even with everything else she was saying still broke my heart a bit. "But now our only hope is for isolationism. Logically, if the remaining Vulcans are not off-planet, then there is no chance of them making a link with any other. We have had three males perish over this. With a race so severely decimated, this is the ultimate injustice; that our own biology works so strongly against us."

I somehow managed to keep the blue balls joke to myself. This was so, so far from anything approaching funny, but I hardly was the first to have inappropriate reactions to serious situations."Okay. So... why do you need me?" I spoke slowly. I was pretty sure that I already knew the answer if the panic clawing its way up my balls was any answer.

Sybok's shoulders slumped. T'Pring became very, very still.

"Since the age of seven, I have been betrothed to Spock. By our parents' arrangement. Less than a marriage but more than a betrothal. In this way our minds were locked together, so that at the proper time, we would both be drawn to..." She breaks off and I struggle with the bright green burst of jealousy that strangled me.

"Oh. So. Uh... what's the problem? Why aren't you guys making beautiful Vulcan babies right now?"

Sybok tenses and glares, and for one second I'm actually afraid of him; afraid of the menace in that stare.

"The problem, as you so aptly term it, Mr. Kirk, is that Spock has no interest in mating with me. He made that abundantly clear when he attempted to break our betrothal two years ago."

At this both Sybok and I jumped as though goosed, staring at her.

For a species who claimed not to pander to human emotionalism, they sure do 'smug' incredibly well.

"Indeed. I do not claim to know all of what transpired with you and my former intended, but he attempted to... how do you say... 'kick me to the curb' when he realized certain obvious truths about himself."

"What?" Sybok breathed.

He took the word right out of my mouth. My brain had been going over what they were telling me, over the specifics and that damn Vulcan hedging that they were so good at, and one thing she said finally filtered through my brain and out of my mouth. "Did you say... die?"

T'Pring ignored Sybok and focused on me. "Yes." She didn't try to sugar-coat it. "That is why I attempted to. Well. Spock and I have never been ... emotionally invested in one another. But even I could not stay away if there was a chance that I could save him."

_"What?" _Sybok had recovered only to gasp out another question.

"Mr. Kirk. I have come at the request of one who has no other recourse but to seek supplication. I do not know why Sarek did not break our betrothal bond when Spock asked him to do so, so long ago,but I am quite certain that even he has accepted the futility of pushing a suit between his son and myself." She didn't have to point at the bruise on her face to make her opinion clear. "He wished that I convey a message to you." She held up a small comm chip.

"Wait!" Sybok grabbed her arm with the lightning-fast reflexes that Vulcans seemed to often ignore. "You can't just come here and start..."

There was a reason that Sybok and I were such good friends.

T'Pring simply turned her head, staring at Sybok without blinking, and he let go of her as though she had burned him.

Huh.

"What Sybok is trying to say is that... I just recently got over... some things. That Spock did to me. It messed me up pretty..." I blew out a frustrated breath. "Look, I'm sorry that he's sick or whatever, but I just don't see how it is my problem." _Lies, liar liii-aaar_ My brain practically screamed at me.

She nodded and took a step forward, catching my hand and putting the chip onto my palm. "You are under no obligation to watch. You have done more for my people than..." she broke off. "I do not wish you any more emotional distress, Mr. Kirk. I was asked to deliver a message, and I have done so." She turned to Sybok who was practically vibrating in place, not sure whether to assist T'Pring or to help me with the emotional backlash that she'd just lobbed my way.

My fist closed around the small communication chip and I made my excuses, needing to just get away from all of this for a few minutes. The ship was so small that there weren't all that many places that I could go. My bunk was pretty comfortable. I'd gotten a slightly larger one, mostly as a small rebellion against Starfleet's instance on giving their senior crew what amounted to beds used for lonely military personnel. There was plenty of room for two people, although the only other 'person' I'd had in my bed was Sybok. Not sexually, of course. Sybok didn't swing that way no matter how much liquor there was in the galaxy, but he was a good friend and he'd indulge my need for cuddling. For thinking. For cuddle-thinking every once in awhile.

I tossed the comm chip up, catching it, tossing it again and again as I thought. Occasionally I heard the murmur of T'Pring and Sybok's voices. I kind of figured that Sybok would be bunking with me tonight, which was good. I.. I didn't know what to think. What to do.

Did I owe Spock anything?

Did I want him to die?

I can't say how long I lay back against my blankets, tossing the chip up and down, those two questions pinging around my brain.

Eventually though, I sighed and sat up, reaching over for my PADD to plug in the little chip. No. Of course not. I couldn't possibly let Spock die, not if I could do something to save him. I was over wanting to be with him. Well, okay. I don't know if I would ever be _over_ it, but I couldn't just let him... no. This porn far thing couldn't be that bad, right? It was kind of weird to realize that Vulcans actually had sex, to tell the truth. I could do sex. And quite frankly, the fact that I hadn't had sex with Spock while we were together _because he hadn't matured enough to want it_ skeeved me the fuck out. If this could make it right, then well. Maybe we'd be even. Maybe whatever kept him in my thoughts and dreams would burn itself out.

Maybe.

_***_

Mr. Kirk,

A mutual acquaintance has explained that you do not owe anything to my family, and pointed out the irony of my request given the circumstances of our last meeting. He rightfully extolled all of the ways your ... friendship... with my son has benefited both Spock's mental and physical well-being in the five years that you served together. And yet, I find myself breaking the emotional expectations held in such high regard by my race as I write this. I have no expectation of your cooperation in this matter. Indeed, it is a bitter truth that my own rigid yet utterly completely faulty logic has brought my son to this. I can offer you no explanations at this time. Nor would I expect you to listen to them. I can only ask that you... please, Mr. Kirk. Please save my son.

Sarek 

**TBC**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 4 Notes:

*chapter warnings: mention of enema (non-descriptive) and violent, possibly triggery, sex

_Jim,  
Leonard is a bit miffed that you haven't visited us yet. I understand though. I included... well. Probably too many pictures of Joanna. She's adorable, Jim. Leonard is a wonder with her. He is going to ask you when you get around to getting here, but how do you feel about being a godfather? Who would have thought that you and I could come to this? For a dumb hick, you sure are an incredible person, Jim. I can't wait for Jojo to find that out.  
Love,  
Ny_

****

"You're sure about this?"

I bit my lip. I was sure. Ish. Okay, I was more terrified by way of sure. Sybok had done his best to explain everything that I could expect. The _pon far _(I still called it porn far in my head) was mindless... well, rutting. Sybok said that he usually hired someone to fuck when his Time came. He also paid them well and had medical on standby, and that was with the knowledge going in. The fact that Spock may or may not even recognize me... well yeah. Terrifying covered it.

In the four hours that T'Pring had beamed upon our small ship, Sybok had worked out a deal with the Vulcan council to ensure that my mind would be looked at by a mind healer. I made him promise that it wouldn't be anyone I knew, and Sybok had gotten that weird, furious, protective, fond look on his face that always reminded me of Bones. He'd also made sure that I would have a room to myself before I went in, and time after to recover.

Recover.

And that right there... that was what caused my balls to crawl up damn near into my stomach. Recover meant injury. Recover meant that there was a slim possibility that I might not come out of this okay. I wish that I trusted Spock on this; trusted that he wouldn't hurt me but the fact was that I didn't. I didn't trust him at all. I didn't think that I ever would trust him again.

Apparently not even Sybok could get me out of meeting up with Sarek. Sarek was insisting on it. _That_ made me nervous. I didn't really want to fuck with him, or the emotional monkey shit he was going to fling at me. I can't even begin to tell you how much I didn't want that stuff rucked up again. The last few months with Sybok had been.. better. Not great. But compared to what Spock had done to me, it was fucking gold. Part of me was afraid that he would do something funky to my brain again.

But.

It was fine for me to really _really_ ... feel hurt by Spock. I wish that I could say that I hated him, but no. That was the problem. I definitely didn't hate him. And it was kind of hard to just sit by and let him fucking _die_ because of his stupid biology.

"Kirk?"

I jolted, having completely forgot that Sybok had asked me a question. "Yeah. I'm sure."

Sybok let out a breath. "I would hug you if I didn't think he'd be furious at the scent of me all over you."

There was a beep of the console and Sybok clasped my shoulder. It was kind of a manly (well, Vulcanly) gesture of camaraderie. I guess. Although I'm fairly certain Sybok didn't really want specifics of what was about to happen. "Wouldn't patting my ass be more apt?" I grinned and Sybok rolled his eyes, pushing me towards the transporter. I took a deep breath, nodded to Sybok and had him beam me down to the surface of the Vulcan colony.

***

I didn't expect to see Spock. The old Spock, not _my_ Spock. Well, no. I did expect to see my Spock but it threw me off to see the old Spo-

"You are nervous."

"You are so, so good at stating the obvious."

The lips twitched, and had I not been spending so much time with Sybok, the sight would have sent me keeling over in shock. As it was, I just swallowed hard and tried to remember that I wanted to be here. The thing was, this version of Spock made me just as uncomfortable. _This _was the one that lied to me. He'd hinted at the whole fucking galaxy collapsing if I told my- no. Not mine. Fuck. I had to stop doing that. I couldn't call him mine. He most emphatically was not. Bones had been so, so pissed off when I finally got around to telling him that I'd let this strange, sad, ancient Vulcan in my mind, grouching about mind control and what was left of my brain leaking out of my ears.

Now that was some fucking irony, now that I really thought about it.

"Why are you here?"

"I suspected that you would not wish to see Sarek before going in with... Spock."

I tilted my head, suspicious. "That seems really nice of you."

I saw something flash in his eyes. Pain, or something like it. "You do not trust me."

"Again, with the obvious. You have given me no reason to trust you. None of you have. Well, okay, Sybok has, but that's because he fixed what you guys fucked-" I blew out a breath, running my hand through my hair. "You know what? It doesn't matter. Please just tell me what you wanted to tell me, so I can get this over with."

There was a beat of silence. Spock turned away from me for a moment, clutching his hands behind his back. Again, the act pissed me off more than anything else. The dude was over 100 years old. He had to know what moves were meant to manipulate or not. Seeing him "emotional", or at least as emotional as the ancient Vulcan got... was that on purpose? Was he doing it for my benefit? I wish I could just trust him. That mind thing that we shared had been one of the most incredibly, intense things in my life. In part it had made me overlook my Spock's uptight bitchiness to try to get to know him better.

"I wish to attempt to prepare you for what you are about to endure. Unfortunately, Spock is so far in the _plak tow _that very little of 'him' is recognizable. His healers estimate that if he does not mate within the hour, then he will be lost to us."  
I nodded, surprised. Sybok had seemed to believe that Spock had more like days than hours.

"He will not be able to recognize you, old friend."

I glared at his back. I was _not_ his old friend. I wasn't his anything. Spock must have heard that I was ready to interrupt, and continued:

"You must not attempt to fight him. Submission is vital to your survival. I have insisted that the room remains monitored, so that if you are in physical distress we can attempt to retrieve you."

_Attempt?!_

"Do you have any queries, Jim?"

My mouth was dry. How fucked up was this? How completely and utterly fucked up was the fact that I was standing here, willing to do this for someone who didn't want me? I blinked, shaking my head. "Is there somewhere I can get ready?"  
"Indeed. There are several manual stimulators and various varieties of personal lubricant. I-" Spock turned slightly, staring at me out of the corner of his eye. "Please.. prepare yourself. There will be less likely of an injury if -"

"Yeah. I got it, thanks. Well, Spock, you were right. This was much less humiliating coming from you than from Sarek, so thanks for that. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go stick some stuff up my ass."

It almost looked like he rolled his eyes, but that couldn't be right.

"Spock will be able to scent the others on you."

Oh. That's right. Sybok said something about that as well. Shit.

There was a beep from the console and Spock looked down, raising a bushy, grey eyebrow. "It would appear that Spock is deteriorating rapidly. Please Jim. It is best if you go now. He is through this corridor. I have marked it here, on this map. The bathing chamber is through this door. Jim- I. I will be monitoring. Should you need assistance I will know."

My throat tightened. I nodded, hardly noticing when Spock left as I began. For the first time, I wondered what the old guy had gone through during his own porn far. _Pon far._ Whatever.

I licked my dry lips and stripped, my eyes widening at the drawer full of apparatuses that the Vulcans had left for me. My nose wrinkled as I saw the tube and bag. An enema wasn't exactly right up there on my list of sexytimes, but Sybok had made it clear that it would probably be necessary.

After my shower I stood there dripping, staring at the different sizes of 'manual stimulators'. Trust Vulcans to make even a dildo sound boring. Although, given that they went into heat every few years, maybe to them it was. I shrugged, picked one that was kind of on the mid to small size and some lube and quickly stretched myself open.

Jesus Christ.

Talk about muscles not used for awhile. It was hard not to.. well. Get hard while I played with my ass, reaching back with lube, giving myself my fingers, then the toy until it moved smoothly. I felt a little more than perverted as I stood there with one leg on the chair, the other on the floor as I stretched myself open, wondering just how closely Spock was monitoring.  
Hope the old guy was enjoying his show.

There was a white robe folded neatly next to the pornicopia of toys, and with a deep breath I slid it over my body. My dick was full, thick and absently I stroked it with the leftover lube, frowned, then turned to get some more, sliding it all over the crease of my ass, on my balls, and a little more up my ass. I had a feeling that Spock wasn't exactly going to be in any state to make sure everything was all nice and slick, and spit-fucking was _so_ not my thing.

I fastened the robe and looked around the small room, wiping my slick hand on the robe with a little grimace before punching up the map Spock had left me.

Okay. No more stalling.

I walked quickly to the room and entered the code Spock had left for me. There was kind of a small room, stacked with food and water. I noticed two different medical kits an the thought made me freeze.

Oh shit. Bones. I didn't...

It only took a second to go to the computer console and send him a message. There wasn't a lot of time to fucking explain, and to be honest I didn't really know exactly what I would say, but I couldn't just leave him with nothing in case this really did go that poorly.

_Bones._

So apparently Vulcans can die of blue balls. Spock needs me, and you know I could never say no to him. Spock (the old one) and Spock's dad both warned me that this could go badly, and that I could be hurt. Don't blame him if something bad happens, okay? Tell Ny that I love her. I love you too, you grouchy asshole. Keep them safe for me.

Jim

That done I took a deep breath, looking briefly up at the ceiling. "I'm goin' in. Wish me luck." I had only a second to think, _no. No, this is bad_ before the doors slid open and I was taking a step through.

The room was almost completely dark. My eyes didn't even have time to adjust before something was rushing at me. Years of military training reflex had me assuming a defensive pose before I was tackled into the wall. My head snapped back against the surface and I grunted, biting my tongue. I tried to push him away, attempted to get a knee up to defend myself before I could stop myself, and was swatted to the ground in the next heartbeat. Something twinged in my wrist and I cursed.

Spock was growling, a low, darkly feral sound. I landed on my hands and knees, favoring my hurt wrist, twisting so that I was on my back. Finally, the warnings Spock and Sybok had given me clicked, and I just lay there, my head and tongue throbbing. My wrist felt like it had been sprained. "Spock? It's... me."

There was another growl and Spock leaped so that he was on top of me, pushing me further down into the ground. The floor was padded, but it still hurt, and I made a small pain sound as my arms were stretched up above my head, my legs splaying out. Spock made that sound again, and I forced myself to stay there, relaxed.

The elder Spock must have realized that humans couldn't see as well as Vulcans in the dark, because a low light slowly came on. Spock hissed and snapped, and I know my mouth must have fallen open as I stared up at him. He looked terrible. I only caught a glimpse of dark eyes and a mouth twisted in a snarl before he was snuffling at my throat. I felt teeth and froze again, my eyes widening, wondering if he was going to rip my fucking throat out before I could move. The snuffling freaked me out. It was something an animal did, not something Spock would do. "It's okay, Spock. It's me. Jim."

"JJJJjjj-" There was the sound of rending fabric as he ripped the robe from my body.

I licked my lips as Spock buried his nose under my ear, sniffed down and nosed at my armpit. I winced, trying not to squirm away. My dick, which had forgotten that this was supposed to be a sexual thing, got back on board when Spock sniffed further down my stomach, past my navel and over my crotch. He buried his nose in my pubic hair and I couldn't help the grunt when he pushed my legs back, so that my knees were up by my ears. And, okay. It was not a comfortable feeling. I could feel the lube globbing out of my ass, my cheeks sliding together as he knees up, his hands tight on my calves. Spock moved his face down, sniffing right at my hole and I stared up at the ceiling, feeling ... well. I don't know what I was feeling. Stupid, mostly.

I felt teeth on the meat of my ass and winced as Spock bit me. There was the growl again, and I felt the skin in his teeth stretch before he let go, just before he would have bloodied me.

"Ouch! Fuck, Spock, what the hell?" My head lolled on the rug, and I felt dizzy when he flipped me over, pushing me down to the floor again. My dick scraped painfully against the fibers of the carpet, and I struggled to get on my knees. Spock's teeth were at my neck again, and this time I felt blood sliding down towards my ear as he bit me. White hot pain blinded me for a minute, and I collapsed down on the floor with a scream.

Spock was growling again, as he rutted against my ass, his dick jabbing painfully at my balls, his nails digging into my hips as he rubbed against me. My eyes widened as I felt him. I hadn't even gotten a chance to look as his junk, and here he was, ready to slide into me, if he could just get the right angle. He was so single-minded, it was like he didn't even know what to do.

"Wait- Spock... let me..." I turned again, and Spock's growl actually scared me, causing me to freeze. I was only able to tilt my ass a little and Spock's growl broke off it changed the angle of his rutting, so that his dick was sliding in the lube between my ass cheeks, something catching on the rim of my hole every time he thrust.

Shit. He was big.

That fucking figured.

I tentatively rocked back, and Spock licked at the bite he gave me, causing me to shudder. Biting wasn't really my thing, but I think my pain and pleasure receptors were fucked up because my cock thickened at the lapping strokes of his tongue.

"JJJJjjjj-"

It occurred to me that he was trying to say my name.

"Jim, Spock. It's me." I didn't even really know if he understood that I was here or not. I didn't really think so. I pushed back slightly, and Spock pulled off of me, jerking my hips up so that my ass was in the air. I felt something huge and hot nudge at my entrance, and only had a second to brace myself as Spock shoved into me with a roar of sound that broke off as he went balls-deep in one thrust.

I bit through my own lip. He was... a lot thicker than the preparation I'd done. I felt like I was being split in two as he pulled out, the head dragging against my insides, causing tears to leak out of my eyes. Oh fuck, it burned. It fucking _hurt_; bright sparks of pain that flared as he twisted his hips, screwing into me. Spock made a lower sound, pushing my shoulders down so that my ass lifted up, his thrusts speeding up until he was slamming into my, my ass jiggling with the force of his movements.

I heard my choked, chopped off breaths as Spock fucked me, the "okay.. okay.. okay..." over and over as though if I kept saying it, it really would be okay.

Spock froze and I swear to God it felt like the bones in my hips were being ground together as his grips tightened. I felt stuffed full of his cock and his come and it made me feel vaguely sick, but his come made his thrusts much more slick as he paused, then started again.

I closed my eyes, taking it. I guess this was my version of closing my eyes and thinking of Starfleet, because it actually became easy to ignore the second time Spock came inside of me. The third was a lot more painful as the bruised skin began sting. I had a horrible suspicion that something had torn, because Spock's come had began to hurt as he painted my insides still fucking deeply inside of me.

My knees felt like they were on fire. I had eventually managed to pillow my cheek on my folded forearms so that my sore face wasn't being pushed into the carpet. I had bites of varying deepness on my neck, nips and sore spots that Spock licked or sucked on, marking me. There was a hell of a good one on my shoulder that just hurt, throbbing dully, an echoing burst of pain when Spock continued to rut into my sore, abused ass.

When he collapsed against me, I actually thought it was over. Spock grunted and I moved a little, stretching as all the dings and twinges made themselves known, like an orchestra of bruises that had suddenly stopped tuning up and were ready to play full-on.

_Ow. Ow ow, motherfucking _ow.

Spock's breathing was relaxed, and I chanced moving away from him. My stomach heaved at the way he lay there, blissed out, covered in sweat. His hair looked like he'd walked through a hurricane. His mouth was bruised, lips full from the biting kisses he'd peppered over my back, neck and shoulders. There was a smear of blood on his chin that made bile thick in my throat, and for a second I really thought I was going to get sick.

This was so fucked up.

I moved slowly, so, so incredibly slowly, inching myself away from Spock in minute increments, careful not to wake him up. Two feet away, then five, and I felt safe enough to pull myself up to my feet.

Oh Jesus, that hurt. I bit my already sore lip against a moan that might wake Spock up. I could feel his come sliding out of my hole, thick and wet on my thighs, sliding against my balls. I heard a sound behind me as the doors wooshed open, and I stumbled as I reached out for the medical kit. My fingers closed around the handle just as I heard a low growl behind me.

Shit.

I took a huge step back into the room, closer to Spock and saw that he was standing there, his cock-half hard. Now that I could see it, the pain in my ass made a lot more sense. He was thick, a dark, olive-colored color. The tip was shiny with come and lube. He took another step forward, and all I could think to do was to take another step forward, sliding my hand on his arm. I kissed his shoulder with trembling lips, not sure if this would be well-received or not. "Spock. It's okay, man. I just need.. I'm hurt. A little! And I just need to take care of a few things," I babbled, pressing a small kiss on the corner of his jaw.

It was something I had done before, and it almost seemed as my Spock flickered deep in his eyes. The growl turned lower, almost questioning. I stroked his arm again, and the growl turned less dangerous and. Well. I would say kittenish, but that sounds completely ridiculous even to my own ears. Mellow maybe. Whatever. Spock followed me meekly enough, as long as I didn't step too far away from him.

I winced, hissing as I climbed on the bed and Spock's fingers brushed against my ass, pressing into the bruises he had left there before. I shivered, giving my cock a dirty look. Damn traitorous thing. I kneeled and dug through the kit, looking for a regenerator, never more thankful in my life of the three years for rooming with Bones at the Academy. Whoever had packed it had packed the kind that was used for the mouth, or I guess up the ass. It had a small wand and I really didn't want to stick that thing anywhere near my sore asshole, but needs must and all that.

I groaned as it began to work, and glared up at the ceiling. I wasn't exactly sure how Spock was monitoring all of this, but he had to know that I was fine. Sore, bruised, but fine. The low purring growl Spock had been giving off stopped as his fingers brushed against my butt, causing me to look over at where he stood next to the bed. I knew better than to struggle, but I had to leave the regenerator inside of me for at least another few minutes, or I was going to be a whole fuck lot more than 'a bit sore.' Still, when Spock pushed at my hip, it was with a lot more gentleness than he'd shown before. He pushed and prodded me so that I was stretched on my back with my feet flat on the bed, my knees spread. It made the angle of holding the regenerator a little awkward, but when Spock leaned over to sniff at me again, I sort of forgot about it.

My cock wasn't hard, but was sore from the brushing against the carpet, like the blood was close to the surface. Sensitive. Spock's tongue against the head, lapping at the bit of precome that had been there before caused me to freeze with a small cry. Spock lapped at the head of my dick, sliding his mouth down over the ridge, down the shaft, nosing at my balls and inhaling again before sucking one, than the other in his mouth. Spock moved down, licking his come off of my skin, tongue fluttering around the small regenerator that was humming inside of my hole, moving down and lapping at my thighs, pulling me up so that he could lick up the crack, cleaning me completely. When he moved his mouth back to my hole, Spock made a low sound in his throat, one finger sliding around the stretched rim. I jerked away with a hiss, but fuck. It was far, _far_ from painful. My cock jumped and precome oozed out, cold in the warm air of the room. I lost my grip on the regenerator, and it fell down between my legs. Spock threw it with a low growl. I heard the regenerator hit the floor with a clatter.

Spock must have come inside of me four or five times. I think I had lost count at one point, but when his fingers teased my rim, I couldn't help but squeeze the muscles in my ass, feeling another glob of his come leak out. Spock grunted, pushing me back so that he could push it back inside of me.

"Ohhh, shit." His fingers were long, but when they slid inside of me, it was with a squelch that should have been revolting, but since he pressed into that small bump of nerves, the sounds I was making was absolutely not painful. Spock's growl next to my cock made me whimper. He liked that, his gaze darting up to meet my shocked one.

Sybok had said that this was the time of mating. I had expected more of the mindless fucking, but this? This was him trying to make me feel good.

And oh, fuck forgive me but it felt amazing. His fingers slid around inside of me, rubbing over my prostate. His mouth was hot, wet suction on my cock, growling a little when I spurted precome each time he tapped the little bump of nerves. Spock moved off my cock with a pop. He stretched my hole open with his fingers, licking inside of me with broad, thick swipes of his tongue. Each time his teeth scraped lightly against the sensitive skin around where his tongue fucked me I felt like I'd been electrocuted, crying out until I was coming, spurting onto my stomach and chest, staring down at his rucked-up hair with wide eyes.

Within one blink and the next, he was inside me again, stretching the recently healed muscles open. Spock's eyes blazed down at me, and I saw his lips form my name, a startled puff of "Jim," like he didn't quite understand what was happening. From this angle his cock felt amazing, thick and so fucking hard that my body felt like it was thrumming on the edge of coming again. I arched, feeling myself thicken again as he slid inside of me, tilting my hips just so.

I wrapped my legs around his hips, grinding back as he thrust. This was much, much better. This? I could do this until I passed out. It could have been minutes, or hours. I know that I came again. And again, a dry orgasm that seemed to wring me out. Spock didn't talk, didn't moan. All I heard were low growls, or grunts, and the wet sound of him sliding into me over and over. On my knees, facing him. In his lap, with his teeth working at the top of my spine, fucking into his tight fist, the sweat from our bodies making everything slick. Me on top of him, bouncing on his cock, greedily taking everything I could get.

I think I must have passed out. Or maybe I was dreaming because I thought I blinked awake to Spock leaning over me, staring down at me like I was something precious, reaching out to me like Sybok had with his fingers on my temples. "No...," my moan was sleepy, my throat ravaged from God knew how many hours of moaning and begging, screaming and crying out. "Y'r fucking me. You don't need to touch me." I batted his hands away, turning so that my back was to him. I felt heavy, like my body weighed too much, but I knew that I didn't want that. "Don't want you in my head again. 'hurts, Spock." I fell asleep again, and when I woke up I wasn't sure what I had dreamed or not.

Spock was asleep besides me, his face buried into my pillow. He didn't stir when I slid out of the bed. I stumbled, dizzy. Fuck, I was thirsty. Body was like one giant, aching bruise and I wanted out of here. I wanted a shower. I couldn't help but look back once at Spock. I'd done it. Sybok had said I'd know when it was over by how relaxed Spock was, and this was just about as relaxed as I had ever seen my former First officer. My former... nothing. It didn't matter. I had done what I said that I would do, and there really wasn't any reason for me to stick around.

I limped to the door, stepping through and shivering. The other door opened, and I knew it was the older Spock standing there, his face carefully blank. He held a robe identical to the one that I had used before, but I was so sore that he had to help me dress.

"Jesus fucking jumped-up Christ, Jim. Are you fucking _crazy_? Bones' furious hiss made me jerk, almost losing my balance.

"How. Wh-what?"

He smacked the back of my head. "You send me that message and then..." He drew himself up, sucking in a breath. I recognized that movement. That was the _Jim-you're-stupid-to-live-so-I'll-do-my-civic-duty -and-rip-your-arms-off-and-beat-you-with-them_ look. Or possibly I was projecting. Either way, I couldn't stifle the flinch and hiss of pain when Bones grabbed my arm, and for a second I thought he was going to turn on his heel and go kill Spock himself. The rage in his eyes made me jerk away, and all of the sudden I was more ashamed than anything of what had just happened.

I stood up and walked by Spock, who was watching Bones with an off look on his face. My skin was crawling, I was feeling like a fucking whore, and I just wanted to go sleep for a week. I didn't _care_ about whatever shit he was feeling. "Bones? You ready?"

Bones couldn't even speak. I could hear his molars grinding together from three feet away. He nodded and we walked to the beam-out spot. "If Sarek needs to discuss anything with me, he knows how to contact me. No more sending an ambassador. He can have the balls to talk to me directly, via subspace." I cleared my throat. "You said he'd be... okay?" I think all three of us knew I wasn't talking about Sarek anymore.

"Yes, Jim."

"Good." I took another step, bit my lip as I stared at the door. "Let's go, Bones."

****

_Jim,_

I wish to speak with you. No. That is inaccurate. I find that I need_ to speak with you. Know that my father and my counterpart have refused to disclose your communication address. Both have made it abundantly clear that you have no desire for further communication between the two of us. I have rarely found myself in the position with the need or with the inclination to apologize, yet I find that recent events have made my need all-consuming. I I have asked Admiral Pike to send this to you, as I find myself with no other recourse. Desperation is also not a human emotion with which I am familiar._

_I have no assertion that you will receive this. Indeed, I have no assertion that you will respond. I can only ask that should you wish hear my explanations, contact me at your earliest convenience._

Spock.

Chapter 5

Chapter Warning: Kirk/ofc (briefly, non-specific mentions)

**Transmission: Request. /00482AHG.01**  
**To: James T. Kirk**  
**From: S'chn T'gai Spock**

**[Transmission Request: Denied. ALL TRANSMISSIONS FROM S'CHN T'GAI SPOCK BLOCKED VIA USER REQUEST]**

Things got better.

Bones didn't talk to me for a month after I'd healed up. And, really after having sex for so long it wasn't really so bad, considering. Spock had sprained my wrist, and I had had a lot of bruises and scrapes that were mildly humiliating to have Bones see. Bones had just ground his teeth together and had kept his biting remarks to a minimum. And Spock was okay, so. Not really the worst thing I'd had to do in my life.

Painful? Yes. Humiliating? Oh my fucking god, yes. I still cringed whenever something from those two days popped into my mind. It wasn't bad while I was in there, but going out, being face to face with Bones and an older version of the guy who had just fucked me into the mattress... ugh. It had been getting caught by my mom, only about eight billion times worse.

I hadn't gotten the room to recover since Bones basically goose-marched me back to Sybok's ship, but I did get a visit from a mind-healer. I never caught her name, but her cold gaze made Sybok practically stutter over himself with nerves. I had been on my bunk, looking up at the ceiling when she beamed onboard. Bones had refused to leave until everything was okay, and had sat there at my desk, staring at her. I had flinched away when she initially reached out, and she was professional enough not to make me remember the specifics. I didn't remember Spock in my mind. Sybok had been clumsy and nervous, but her? I didn't even have a memory of what happened.

It kind of freaked me out that Vulcans could fuck around with our heads so easily.

But yeah. No more head trauma. She diagnosed me with basically what Sybok had said- Spock had bonded with me. She made it clear that it was a one-sided thing, in the sense that I was suffering because my poor human brain couldn't keep up. Funnily enough, I was not surprised at this. Just another way that Spock had fucked with me. For the first time since Spock and I had broken up, a numbness overtook me when I thought of him. I was just... done.

So, so fucking done.

Bones had finally left and shit got back to normal. It took me awhile, but I got over it. Maybe I finally grew up, I don't know. Bones would say it was about fucking time. And ... me? I'd have to agree with him.

***

"Jimmy!"

"Hey, Chris."

"Jesus, kid. You look different. That hair is definitely not regulation. You look like a pirate!"

I grinned, the grin widening even more when Chris stood up, limping over to me. The hug was unexpected, but nice. "Well, the pirate business can wait for a bit. I got your message, though. I was dirtside for a bit to see Bones and Ny so I figured you wouldn't care if I stopped by." It was almost painful to force a cheery conversation. I hope I didn't sound as awkward as I felt.

Chris was shaking his head, still smirking a little. "Have you seen that little twerp of theirs? She's gonna be some serious trouble when she's old enough. McCoy is probably already trying to find antique shotguns."

"Just pictures. This is my first time back home in... hell." I trailed off, a little surprised. "Wow. It's been a year, I guess." Something flicked over Chris' face, some emotion that I didn't quite catch. It put me on my guard though and all at once I remembered that yeah, he might be an old friend and all, but he _was_ a high-ranking Admiral in Starfleet. His life was politics.

"Well, I'm glad you're here. I'm having a meeting in a few minutes, but." Chris' eyes widened as he looked at me. "Holy shit, Jimmy. You can… actually solve two problems for me. If you have the time."

Yep. To say I was suspicious was putting it mildly. I just raised an eyebrow.

"Do you know Jensen? The instructor?"

"You mean the dude who tried to make it his life's work to skull-fuck our brains with how many things would go wrong once we got up in the black? _That _Jensen?"

"He's due to give a lecture in twenty minutes on… well, okay I don't actually know what it's about, but it's to a class just about ready to graduate. Mostly command track, although a few engineering slipped in there somehow." As he warmed to his topic, Chris' clear blue gaze darkened, narrowed on me. I felt like a butterfly pinned to a dartboard. "Please. Please tell me you'll step in for me. I'll buy you dinner. Come on…"

I was surprised that the thought was actually tempting. I always did love an audience. That was only one of my many, many problems. I was nodding before I thought it the whole way through. "I guess. That would be okay. They get me how I am though. No bullshit."

"No bullshit. Jeez, you don't even know. It's like a freaking miracle or something. The only other person who was free is fucking _Barnett,_ and I wouldn't wish that shit on _anyone."_

I laughed.

I did go ahead and freshen up a little before I went to the lecture hall that Chris directed me towards. Still, I had to smother a snort. I looked a whole lot different from the 'Captain James T. Kirk' that they knew. My hair was longer. I kept it tied back, but it definitely wasn't the military haircut that most of them would recognize. I wore the same leather… well. I would say uniform, but I was starting to just think that Liz had a thing for guys in leather. These did really, _really _spectacular things to my ass. Sybok, the dick, had teased me about finally getting back in the saddle. Live it up. Do something crazy.

Funny. Especially since he wouldn't even _think_ about doing anything too crazy—his beloved T'Pring wouldn't approve.

I went the t-shirt route, with a leather jacket over the ensemble. The jacket had lived through phaser blasts a plenty, one kidnapping, and an electrical fire. I'd already made arrangements that I be buried in the goddamn thing.

Still, pirate wasn't too far off the mark.

Ten minutes later, I had all of them in the palm of my hand. They were so fucking _young_, it kind of blew me away a little. I had one smartass ask me why, 'if it was so amazing, why did I leave?' that kind of made me flinch a little, but hey. I was pretty good at hiding it. An hour later I wound down and found myself walking back to Chris' office, when he commed me.

**Hey, Jim. Will have to meet you at the restaurant. How about Talbot's at 1800?**

It didn't bother me. I made a lot of credits doing what I did, but it was still nice to mooch a free meal once in awhile. I killed some time talking to some of the kiddies, got a few comm numbers that I didn't bother to save. It gave me a weird feeling of nostalgia to jog down the steps to find a transport, but I made it with about ten minutes to spare.

Talbot's was an old haunt of mine. It was modeled after an old-fashioned pub. I knew from old holos that people used to smoke in these places. It was one of the few places this close to campus where you could get live music, great food and cheap alcohol.

I found Chris and his corner table in the back with no trouble. He'd already ordered the first round and yeah. It was nice to have some time to just relax with a beer in front of me. Sybok was a lot of things, but one of them was not a dictionary definition of 'relaxed.' I guess that's why it was such a kick to the face.

I saw the way Chris' face shifted. There was a slight disturbance of air next to me, and then I could smell him. I knew that scent. At one point I knew that scent better than I knew my own. I used to tease him about Vulcan dryer sheets. His response? 'Illogical. 'Dryer sheets' went out of usage several hundred years ago.'

"Admiral Pike." His voice was the same. The last time I'd heard him, he'd been feral. Unnatural. Now though, it was his usual Vulcan inflection. "Jim." My eyes drifted shut.

This was so fucking unfair.

I jumped up, my knee hitting the underside of the table with a thump that sent the beer sloshing over my glass. Other patrons glanced over, caught by the potential for drama here.

"No." I spoke so quickly the word was just a squeak in my throat. "Not doing this. No. _Hell _no." I stared, betrayed at Chris. "Fuck _you._"

"Jim!" Anguished.

"Kid-" Frustrated.

I didn't wait to hear their bullshit. I swiped my thumb absently to pay for the meal and walked out, with my head down. Not looking at anyone. The constant _how could he?_ made me sick. I told myself that Chris couldn't possibly have known... but that was bullshit. He approved both my and Spock's transfer orders. Me might not have known the specifics, but he knew he was betraying my trust.

The night was cool as I walked. It helped to offset the furious blush on my cheeks. My throat tightened when I heard the hasty footstep behind me, but I kept walking. I didn't even know where I was going, and the fact that Spock was actually following me made me want to punch him. I took a left down a narrow street, than a right. I heard the club before I saw it, and with a shiver stopped dead in the middle of the street.

While I was Captain, I had been very, very careful of my image. No risky behavior. After Liz hired me, I had no real interest in anything even remotely approaching risky behavior. But with Spock following me? With the fact that he cared so little for me that he couldn't even follow my _one!_ request- that he just fuck off and leave me alone? Oh.. I was _pissed._

I started walking- enjoying my anger. I knew I was being immature, and probably petty but I fucking wanted it. I wanted the anonymity of grinding up against some stranger, of dancing until my muscles trembled and burned with fatigue. I knew I'd have no problem getting someone to suck me off in a back room, an alley, and that? That fit my mood completely.

I blew by the bouncer with a smirk. Within minutes I had stripped off the jacket and shirt. The club didn't look to be a hole in the wall, and I took full service of the little coat check bot. Two minutes later I was out on the dance floor. I caught a few glimpses of Spock as I danced and each time fueled something in me. I wanted him to see me enjoying myself. I wanted him to see me grinding my ass into the guy behind me, making out with the girl in front of me. I was dripping with sweat and exhaustion by the time I stepped off the floor. I ignored Spock standing near the bar and ordered a water. It tasted so amazing that I grunted a little when it spilled on my chest. Still ignoring Spock I turned when a hand slid over my ass, smiling. Flirting. Enjoying myself. I didn't look back at Spock when the girl I was dancing with led me out off of the dance floor. I didn't care what expression was on his face- if he was angry or jealous or bored.

Jesus. I was such a fucking liar.

***  
That was my big revenge? Disappearing with some random girl for ten minutes?

I brushed my teeth and spit out the toothpaste, feeling stupid.

We only had sonics on Sybok's ship, so it was nice to stand here in the steam from my shower. I wiped my hand over the mirror and sighed. Spock was likely where he'd been all night, outside my hotel room. I'd been stalling in the shower, going back and forth on whether I really wanted to talk to him or not. (I didn't. Fuck him.) Knowing that I needed some answers- or at least some explanations on why he acted the way he'd acted. Why had he lied to me? Why had he gone to such lengths to get rid of me? (I did. Fuck _me,_ but I did.)

Sure I was... better now. If I carefully kept my mind away from certain areas. Bones had been so pissed that I helped Spock out with his little _pon far _problem because he knew that I was an idiot. An Idiot for Spock. He knew that I must have forgiven him a little- a tiny, microscopic, smidge of a little- for me to have gone riding to Spock's rescue. Huh. Riding.

The memory caused my whole body to tighten.

So a part of me knew that Spock was not one to give up. Even after all of this time, I just knew he would be waiting outside of my hotel room door, waiting for me to acknowledge him. Or waiting for me to ignore him again.

I dropped the towel and sighed, walking naked to the bedroom and pulling on my clothes. What could be the worst that happened if I let Spock in? He'd talk. I'd listen and then I could tell him to fuck off. My lips quirked in a nasty smile. I really kind of wanted that; to watch his eyes while I told him to leave. I wasn't worried about Spock doing anything physical. The idea was laughable. So why had I put this off for so long? If just seeing him was supposed to give me some perverse sense of satisfaction, then why had I waited so long?

I sighed. "Shit."

Before I could change my mind I ordered food for the both of us from long-standing memory. Might as well be civil. _I _wasn't the dickhead here.

I still found myself taking a deep breath and tugging nervously on my t-shirt before I opened the door.

Spock jerked, a shocked, graceless movement that was completely unlike him. I raised an eyebrow. "Well. You might as well come in. I've had enough calls about you lurking outside." I hadn't. I was paying enough credits that I could hire a naked gaggle of dancing Orions and the staff wouldn't bat an eyelash. With Spock in town I just hadn't wanted to deal with answering Bones and Nyota's questions. This was much easier, actually. The anonymous hotel room.

"Jim." Spock visibly steeled himself, careful not to brush my body as he went into the room. He hesitated for a split-second when he saw breakfast spread out, but gave no other outward sign. Ignoring him, I crossed to my own chair and began eating. He sat down with his posture straight. We both kept our gazes averted, eating with bland enjoyment of the food. Well, I was. Spock... who knew. He was as closed-off as I had ever seen him.

I was just finishing my pancakes when Spock spoke, the timbre of his voice sending a jolt through me. "Were you aware that our mothers knew each other?"

My mouth dropped open slightly. I quickly shut it, blushed and swallowed the bite of pancake. Talk about out of left field. That had been _so _not what I thought he'd open with. "No. Were they good friends?"

"It would appear that they did share a closeness, yes."

Okay. Good to know. What the actual _fuck_? I sipped at my orange juice, blinking a little, still confused.

Spock was quiet for several more minutes. It was enough to weird me out. Finally, when I had no more excuses of avoiding his gaze, I looked up to Spock's direct gaze.

"Look, that's pretty cool, but you really need to say what you want to say and. I just need to move on from... this. So if you could stick to the relevant parts, that would be great." Spock didn't flinch when my voice turned sarcastic. "I don't mean to sound like a drama queen or anything, but this has dragged on long enough." I finally made myself stop talking.

Spock took a deep breath, visibly composing himself. "I have come to the conclusion that any wish I have to find the verbal acuity needed to somehow excuse my actions is illogical."

Well, at least we agreed on something. I sat back in my chair and tried to keep from nervously tapping my leg.

"And yet I have found myself leaving the colony to search you out. I believe the colloquialism is I 'called in my last favor' with Admiral Pike. I have spoken with both my father and my counterpart in regards to what my actions have caused to happen, yet they have no advice on how to begin to apologize to you."

I blinked. Apologize. Really? "Why did you bond with me, then break it off like that? I mean, maybe I completely misread everything, Spock. I had to have done, because I couldn't actually believe what happened. I mean.. I always thought I was a pretty decent judge of character." I shoved a bite of food into my mouth, again using it as a prop to stop my stupid fucking mouth.

I looked up just in time to catch Spock's lowered gaze. "I was not aware that I had."

I nodded. I'd figured that out ages ago. That had helped, actually. Helped me not feel like I was completely worthless.

"In the history of Vulcan, there have been five cases of unintentional mind-linking with a potential mate. Five, Jim. None of those with a human."

"Sybok said that a mind-link was something like the end-all be-all of Vulcan need. that mind compatibility is more important to a Vulcan than ... well. Than anything."

"To some, yes."

"To some?" That didn't sound right. Sybok had been pretty damn certain. The looks he darted at T'Pring said how absolutely beyond blessed he felt to have found her. Again.

Spock tilted almost imperceptibly forward, a slight shift of his body that most people wouldn't notice. It was like a sigh on anyone else. "Mind compatibility is. I do not." Spock's lips tightened slightly.

Holy shit. This was better than a holovid. Seeing Spock this discombobulated was pretty fucking awesome.

Sometimes I really was _not_ a very nice person. I'd be eating fucking popcorn if I wasn't so full. But still, some part of me must have felt sorry for him because I threw him a bone. "Okay. so you didn't know that we were linked. Have you ever studied the effects of a broken mind-link on the other party? You... it hurt, Spock. I didn't understand that part of what was so fucked up was that you had literally skull-fucked me. I mean... just because you're sorry about it, or you regret it or whatever doesn't change the fact that it happened. Sybok says that I was doing the mental equivalent of bleeding out."

"Kindly cease your mentions of my bro-." Spock's brows lowered just enough as he snapped out the order, biting off the end of the word. "I. I did not mean that."

"Huh. Bones was right. You do know how to lie."

Spock's shoulders curled in on himself. "You are. Correct. I find that I am less than... content with your repeated mention of my sibling."

I raised my eyebrows. Interesting. Rather than beat a dead horse, I changed the subject. "Okay, so what the fuck was up with the way you blindsided me? I mean, what. You can't break up like a normal person? You had to have your dad do it for you?"

"Jim. Again, my explanations have no immediate possibility of excusing my actions. Since my mother's death, my father is very ... adamant about the purity of his bloodline. He views Sybok's idiosyncrasies as a personal affront. You are well aware that until I chose to go to Starfleet Academy, I had never gone against my father's ideals. Often at the expense of my mother's wishes. He had doubts about your ... compatibility. That a union between two men would not have a chance of procreation. With our race so decimated..."

"You agreed."

Spock nodded once, jerkily. I stared down at my fork, my mind whirling. On Earth, we'd finally gotten to the point where for most of her citizens, being with the same sex wasn't seen as an issue. If two men or two women wanted a child, they could have one using many different methods of conception or medical technology. While I was aware of the stigma that some cultures still put on same-sex unions, but it never even occurred that Vulcans would be one of them, with all their beliefs of mental capability and cool logic.

So much for "Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations."

"So, you were... uncomfortable with your attraction to me?" I was trying to understand, honest. But it was baffling. That did make his insistence on finger kisses and chaste hugs make more sense though.

Spock opened his mouth. Thought for a second. Closed his mouth. "Yes."

"And then instead of just telling me, you what. Had your dad break up with me? Throw my past in my face? Kind of a dick move, man." I picked up my glass to chug the rest of my orange juice. _That _was an understatement.

"I do believe the dick move came later."

I choked on my orange juice.

Spock's lips twitched.

"Yeah. You could say that. So we're not going with the embarrassment reigns supreme and not mention the epic fucking?"

"You saved my life. There is nothing that I can do to repay you for that gift, Jim."

I completely had to bite my tongue to keep from snarking about gifts that keep on giving. So not what I was going for during this conversation.

"So, I take it you're okay with the ... uh." My mind stalled on the label. Gay? Bi? "fact your body wanted _me _of all people during your _pon far_?"

"I am."

I squinted. "And what, you're here to hope that I can just forget all the bullshit you put me through while you figured it out? Most people do that when they're teenagers, Spock!"

Spock's gaze fell to the table again. I could see the bright-green flush at the top of his ears. Oh Jesus fucking Christ. Something T'Pring said came back to punch me in the face. Vulcans who hadn't had their first mating cycle were considered teenagers, maturity-wise. Sure, that might be a little skewed with Spock's mixed heritage, but fucking hell. I leaned forward, burying my face in my hands. For me- I'd been in my first epic love affair. Fallen in love, and fallen so, so hard. For Spock? He was still trying to figure out who he was. Or at least he had been. "You know, and I fully understand the irony of this statement, a lot of this could have been avoided if you would have just _told _me what was going on."

"I am aware."

I stood up and cleared the table, sending everything to the recycler.

"I'm supposed to be at Bones and Ny's right now. To be honest... I need to think about this. I need to think about this a _lot_, Spock. Thank you for your explanations, but-"

"I do not have any expectation out of this conversation, Jim."

Oh. Okay. I blinked. I didn't know what my expectations were. I didn't know much of anything now. I mean, it was nice for us to hash this out, but now what?

Spock stood and I watched as he fought not to lean towards me. I took a rather obvious step back, and Spock snapped to his more familiar parade rest. "I have accepted a position teaching at Starfleet. If you would wish for any further communication, will you contact me?"

"I." Would I? I couldn't say for sure. "I don't know, Spock."

Spock nodded, as though he expected it. Maybe he had. "Please give my regards to Nyota." He very carefully didn't mention Bones, which was kind of hilarious when you thought about it.

"Okay. Will do." I rocked back on my toes, feeling weirdly energetic. I can't say what made me do it. Maybe it was cruel. Maybe it was just what I needed. But I reached over and hugged him, a quick brush of bodies that left his breath stuck in his throat and my own stupid heartbeat slamming against my ribs. "Goodbye, Spock."

He stood stiffly. I took the hint and let go, stepping back with a small smile. I could tell that he wasn't offended; just shocked. I suppose that made sense. He turned and left, his gait calm and smooth as you'd expect from someone like Spock.

But before the door shut completely, I heard the whispered, "Goodbye, my Jim."

Chapter 6

Epilogue

**[Transmission Request: Modified. ALL TRANSMISSIONS FROM S'CHN T'GAI SPOCK UNBLOCKED VIA USER REQUEST] **

**Transmission: Request. /1348752JM **  
**To: S'chn T'gai Spock **  
**From: James T. Kirk **

_Spock, _  
_  
I never thanked you for the letters. I don't think I'd ever heard my mom talk like that, and it was neat to read my dad's responses, and your mother's responses. Weird to think that we almost knew each other before we knew each other, but whatever. I don't particularly want to know what you had to do to get them from your dad, but tell him I appreciate it. _  
_  
Before you ask, Sybok and T'Pring had a baby boy. I wanted to name him Herman, but I think T'Pring was less than amused at my attempts at humor. Of course, I know she loves me. But I do understand where the whole matriarchal controversy thing comes from. Jeez. She can be _scary _when she wants to. I think my balls are still hiding from the look she gave me. _  
_  
Bones says that your classes are probably the most filled at the Academy. I'm glad that you're doing well. I didn't think I would be, but I am. You've fixed the Kobayashi Maru, right? Or does my record still stand? ;) _  
_  
Sorry for the complete inaneness of this comm. I know it's probably making your eyebrow twitch or something. But, I did want to mention that I'm going to be dirtside in a few months. I'm hoping in time for Jojo's birthday. Would you be interested in meeting me for dinner? _

_Jim _


End file.
